My Love Story, Part 4 (and final :)

Here it is--the last part. I have been thinking of how to craft it over the last two days while I'm feeding, burping, changing, and rocking the baby, and I'm SO glad I have one more part cause I left out some crucial details in the story!

First, let me take you back to highschool. Wow, what awkward memories. Does anyone else feel like they were the weirdest highschooler alive? Or is it just me? Anyways...in highschool, I was heavily influenced by the whole idea of courtship vs. dating, saving my heart for my future husband, and all that. I have a little more balanced view now than I did back then (don't comment, Mark Egerdahl!), but I still believe that (no matter what you call it) your single years should be spent pursuing the Lord, and if any relationship or a desire for a relationship is taking your focus off of the Lord, then it's wrong! So, when I was young (maybe even as young as middle school) I started praying off and on for my future husband. They were kind of childish prayers. But as I grew, I kept praying it. Sometimes in college, when I was convinced I was in love with some guy (the feelings usually passed after a week or so), I would tell God "No, really, I DO want to date this person." Thankfully, He never listened to me. ;) So, I made it through my first three years at Bob Jones University without dating, or even coming close to dating. A lot of those times, I was CONVINCED that my life would be better if I had a boyfriend. However, the Lord chose to remember those childish prayers where I asked Him to save my heart for my husband instead of my "mature", college desires for a relationship. Looking back, I'm thankful to see the "big picture" of what God was doing in my life!

So, in summary, here I was, traveling on an evangelistic team with six other adults and six kids under nine years of age. What fun we had! I was so in love with Josh, but so convinced that it was like all the other "crushes" I'd had...and that it'd amount to nothing. As the end of the semester approached, I looked to it like a haven from this hard life I was leading--finally, I could get AWAY from this guy and get my head right! I mean, wasn't I only in love with him cause he was the only guy I'd seen or talked to for a year??

There were times when it seemed like Josh had feelings for me too. It was hard to tell, cause he was a gentleman, and sometimes good manners in a guy can be mistaken for flirting these days. Reba was very protective of me, knowing the struggle that I was going through, and a few times, she cornered Josh. "Do you like Caroline?? Cause sometimes it seems like it!" Josh would always deny it. So, she'd come back and report to me. My heart would sink a little, but I would thank the Lord for being my satisfaction and joy, and continue on. Once, in a church, he convinced me that he thought I'd be dating by Christmas, when I went back to Bob Jones. I was very adament that I would NOT be dating (since I knew I'd love him forever, and was pretty sure that love would be forever unrequited). He used to flip a quarter and say, "Heads, you're dating by Christmas." It always landed on heads!!! I used to turn the quarter over to tails when he wasn't looking. And he'd just wink at me...that darn wink. The quarter was right.

Josh saw me do so many awkward and embarrassing things that semester. I know nice girls aren't supposed to talk about bodily functions, but there was this one time, playing the Wii with Reba and Josh, that I got a little too focused on throwing the bowling ball, and I totally "tooted" (that's a nice term for it, right?) in front of him! Another time, we were paintballing with a youth group in St. George, UT. This was the DAY after I fell in love with him, and I was loving the intense competition--it felt so wild and romantic to be shooting each other in a red rock canyon! :) Well, I got a liiiittle too much into the competition. I was running from rock to rock, Rambo style, and I got shot! For some reason, I was convinced in my mind it was Josh..I was pretty sure I'd seen it come from his direction...so I wanted to express my displeasure to the rude person who had shot me, and I yelled at the top of my lungs "YOU BIG BUTT-HEAD!" Who knows what I was thinking when I said this--I wasn't thinking! Obviously--can you imagine being a youth pastor and your youth group hearing this team member yelling potty names at someone? And it got worse...I found out a few weeks later that it was the pastor who shot me. Oops?

My very last week of meetings, we were in a youth group for Sunday school. As was expected, I was trying to meet the members of the pretty small youth group. A girl sitting next to me was a little quiet, so the youth pastor told me to ask her something. This youth pastor had a lateral lisp (think Sid the Sloth from Ice Age), so I thought he said "Hey, ashk her if she's in a butt club." "Ok...", I thought. "Maybe this is some inside youth group joke. I'll just play along and ask." So, I turned to the quiet, homeschooled girl next to me and asked "So...are you in a butt club?" The whole room was silent as the youth pastor said, "NO, I shaid a BUTT club." (it still sounded the same to me...apparently, he was saying BOOK.) Oh well...

Finally, the end of the year was in sight. We had a little good-bye party for, well, me. As is tradition on the team at birthdays or going-aways, everyone went around and said what they appreciated about me. I remember Aaron Coffey called me the funniest girl he knows, which I took as a huge compliment. I also remember Josh saying what he appreciated about me, and telling me he loved me at the end. "Psh, the big liar. He's just saying that cause that's what everyone else is saying. He doesn't love me."

So, my time on the Galkin team was done (so I thought). I still had my senior year at BJU to finish, and my parents were NOT going to let me go gallivanting off around the country for another year! I was so relieved to get AWAY from Josh, cause I thought I'd start to get over him. I told Reba before we left..."I'm sure he'll meet some girl this summer at camp and marry her...but, I know I will never ever marry anyone cause I love Josh. I'm gonna be a single missionary to some remote country."

Over the very short break before camp started, I was going home to Atlanta, and then to one of my best friend's wedding in Kansas City, MO. Ironically, on that same weekend, Josh was flying to Atlanta for a friend's wedding in Greenville, SC. It just so happened that I was leaving the day after he flew into Atlanta. So, Josh was planning on staying at my house after I'd picked him up from the airport, using my car to drop me off at the airport the next day, drive to Greenville, and then leave the car at the Atlanta airport for me to pick-up when I flew in. "Great...torture me even more", I thought. To make matters worse, my parents were in LOVE with Josh. They kept asking me "Why don't you like Josh??" So, before he came, I sat Bob and Sharon down and had a little chat with them. "Ooook, Mom and Dad. I like Josh. But he doesn't like me! He just told Reba so last week. So, even if he acts like it while he's here, he's just being nice--don't think anything of it!" Of course, that did NOTHING to help them stop wanting me to marry him.

I picked Josh up from the airport. Of course, in my heart of hearts, I still wanted him to declare his undying love for me. But at the same time, I knew it'd never happen. I wasn't pretty enough...wasn't spiritual enough...skinny enough...ladylike enough...the list went on. That night he wanted to watch a movie--I wasn't sure what his movie "standards" were like, so I was kind of trying to put the ball in his court to pick the movie. He was NOT cooperating, so I said "Well, just pick one! I mean, if it were just me I'd watch like...Pride and Prejudice or something", trying to communicate that he should pick one cause I would just pick some girly movie. "Well, let's watch that!" he said.

Oh my word. Here I was, sitting on a couch in the basement, Josh on the other couch, watching what might possibly be the most romantic story ever. The part with the heart-fluttering music, where Keira Knightly is walking in the dew-kissed morning, only to see the most honorable, dashing, and handsome man walking through the grass towards her--ahhhhh! During the movie, to avoid the romantic aura growing around us, I was texting a friend who was having some boy problems. I kinda nervously talked about how this guy was leading her on, and how it was wrong for guys to do that, preaching a little bit to Josh, since he had been sooo kind to me all semester--enough to make Reba question him about his feelings for me on more than one occasion (and he always denied). At one point, Josh paused the movie and said, "Caroline, I just want to let you know that I still just think of you as a friend. I hope I have not done anything this semester to make you think otherwise."

My world sank. I couldn't look at him. I shrugged like I was totally ok with it, "Oh yeah, I know, let's keep watching." But as he dropped me off the next morning at the airport, I didn't even want to talk to him. I was finally crushed. "Thank you, Lord, that you will never stop loving me." I could rest in God's love, and move on with His plan for my life. It was no longer of any use to have feelings for Josh. So I prayed even more earnestly that God would change my feelings.

During the wedding time, Josh was texting me tons! We'd always been texting buddies...this one time on the road, we both got a bug where we were up allllll night long throwing up. I'd left my phone at the church, so when I finally got it the next day, and we were both holed up in our seperate houses, sick, we texted tons. I used to have to hide my phone when I'd share a room with Reba, cause she would roll her eyes if she saw me texting Josh. But, now, I almost didn't want to even talk to him--but I was still in love! So I still talked to him, but was very careful not to flirt or even TRY to get him to know I liked him!

That is one area I could see the grace of God so clearly in my life. For once, I was not trying to drop hints and clues that I liked a guy. The Lord protected me from telling him or manipulating him. This would be very important down the road.

I got to camp on a Wednesday with the rest of the secretaries for Northland. Josh arrived on Friday. I was happy to see him--and he seemed happy to see me! He even said he missed me. I had helped him the previous year organize and execute the weekly "Carnival" during family camps, so he asked for my help again. One rainy afternoon, we were sitting in the carnival trailer, doing something very important like counting yo-yos, and he started talking about us. It was just casual stuff about like how we were friends, and about stories from the year. Then, I noticed his hands were shaking and he seemed really...nervous. He started to say something about how sometimes you can't just stay the same type of "friends" when you enter a certain point of life. I had no idea where this was going, but I had so convinced myself in my mind (with help from him!) that he had no romantic feelings for me, that I just tried to get him to stop for fear this was the end of our friendship. He was struggling putting his thoughts into words, so I took the opportunity. "It's ok...you don't need to explain anything until you know what you want to say." I wanted to get away from that trailer as soon as possible! I purposefully avoided him that weekend. He g-talked me some, and was so caring and kind. "Ahhh...why is this so hard?!"

Monday morning, leadership training started. I can still see the room and where we were sitting--Josh just kept turning around from his table and smiling at me and winking at me. "Ugh! The wink! Why does he do that??" But I smiled back. The girls around me started giggling and wondering what was up. He asked to walk with me after the mornings sessions to the dining hall. We talked all the way there, and it was like we were just kindred spirits. I loved talking with him! Why was he being so kind? And paying me SO much attention?

After lunch, he came up to me like a little boy who was about to burst with excitement. "Can we take another walk?" The people at the table around me smiled. So we started behind the dining hall, but before we even took a few steps, I heard the most wonderful words I've ever known.

"Caroline, I have so appreciated your friendship through these years, especially this last one as we traveled together. You have become more than a friend to me. Ever since January, I couldn't stop thinking about you, praying for you, and liking you." Like seems like a dumb way to put it, but, we weren't saying the "love" word at this point. "I care deeply for you, and I want to enter into a serious relationship with you, and I'm pretty sure I want to marry you."

There, behind the dining hall at Northland, a stone's throw from the giant buzzing freezer, and a few steps from the dumpsters, the man of my dreams proclaimed his love for me. It was a dream come true! To make it more romantic, all I could blurt out "I like you too!" I might as well have added a Steve Urkel laugh onto the end of it, it was so dorky sounding. But, the funny thing was, he'd had NO idea I liked him at all! He was planning on having to CONVINCE me to date him, cause he was so sure I didn't.

You may be thinking, "So, what you're saying is, God made you both fall in love with each other, WITHOUT knowing the other person was in love with you?" Yeah...it happened! Now it made perfect sense. All the little looks, words, texts...why Will freaked when I told him I liked Josh. What didn't make sense was what he'd said to Reba so many times! And what he said to me during the movie! "Will made me promise not to say anything at least until camp," he told me. How wise. :)

And it's all history from there. We both knew at that moment that we would get married. Of course, it was a little journey to get to that point too...but that's another story. I left out so many details, little anecdotes, funny memories...but I guess those are just the things you'd have to hear in person.

Our first picture together...well, besides that grand canyon one. And the snowboarding one. OK, nevermind...

The moral of the story is...if you don't have a love story yet, let God handle it. He's great at making them romantic. And if you have found that prince that God has for you--love him with all your heart! I hope I never forget my story, so it always causes me to be grateful for my God and for the man He's given me.