My Love Story, Part 4 (and final :)

Here it is--the last part. I have been thinking of how to craft it over the last two days while I'm feeding, burping, changing, and rocking the baby, and I'm SO glad I have one more part cause I left out some crucial details in the story!

First, let me take you back to highschool. Wow, what awkward memories. Does anyone else feel like they were the weirdest highschooler alive? Or is it just me? Anyways...in highschool, I was heavily influenced by the whole idea of courtship vs. dating, saving my heart for my future husband, and all that. I have a little more balanced view now than I did back then (don't comment, Mark Egerdahl!), but I still believe that (no matter what you call it) your single years should be spent pursuing the Lord, and if any relationship or a desire for a relationship is taking your focus off of the Lord, then it's wrong! So, when I was young (maybe even as young as middle school) I started praying off and on for my future husband. They were kind of childish prayers. But as I grew, I kept praying it. Sometimes in college, when I was convinced I was in love with some guy (the feelings usually passed after a week or so), I would tell God "No, really, I DO want to date this person." Thankfully, He never listened to me. ;) So, I made it through my first three years at Bob Jones University without dating, or even coming close to dating. A lot of those times, I was CONVINCED that my life would be better if I had a boyfriend. However, the Lord chose to remember those childish prayers where I asked Him to save my heart for my husband instead of my "mature", college desires for a relationship. Looking back, I'm thankful to see the "big picture" of what God was doing in my life!

So, in summary, here I was, traveling on an evangelistic team with six other adults and six kids under nine years of age. What fun we had! I was so in love with Josh, but so convinced that it was like all the other "crushes" I'd had...and that it'd amount to nothing. As the end of the semester approached, I looked to it like a haven from this hard life I was leading--finally, I could get AWAY from this guy and get my head right! I mean, wasn't I only in love with him cause he was the only guy I'd seen or talked to for a year??

There were times when it seemed like Josh had feelings for me too. It was hard to tell, cause he was a gentleman, and sometimes good manners in a guy can be mistaken for flirting these days. Reba was very protective of me, knowing the struggle that I was going through, and a few times, she cornered Josh. "Do you like Caroline?? Cause sometimes it seems like it!" Josh would always deny it. So, she'd come back and report to me. My heart would sink a little, but I would thank the Lord for being my satisfaction and joy, and continue on. Once, in a church, he convinced me that he thought I'd be dating by Christmas, when I went back to Bob Jones. I was very adament that I would NOT be dating (since I knew I'd love him forever, and was pretty sure that love would be forever unrequited). He used to flip a quarter and say, "Heads, you're dating by Christmas." It always landed on heads!!! I used to turn the quarter over to tails when he wasn't looking. And he'd just wink at me...that darn wink. The quarter was right.

Josh saw me do so many awkward and embarrassing things that semester. I know nice girls aren't supposed to talk about bodily functions, but there was this one time, playing the Wii with Reba and Josh, that I got a little too focused on throwing the bowling ball, and I totally "tooted" (that's a nice term for it, right?) in front of him! Another time, we were paintballing with a youth group in St. George, UT. This was the DAY after I fell in love with him, and I was loving the intense competition--it felt so wild and romantic to be shooting each other in a red rock canyon! :) Well, I got a liiiittle too much into the competition. I was running from rock to rock, Rambo style, and I got shot! For some reason, I was convinced in my mind it was Josh..I was pretty sure I'd seen it come from his direction...so I wanted to express my displeasure to the rude person who had shot me, and I yelled at the top of my lungs "YOU BIG BUTT-HEAD!" Who knows what I was thinking when I said this--I wasn't thinking! Obviously--can you imagine being a youth pastor and your youth group hearing this team member yelling potty names at someone? And it got worse...I found out a few weeks later that it was the pastor who shot me. Oops?

My very last week of meetings, we were in a youth group for Sunday school. As was expected, I was trying to meet the members of the pretty small youth group. A girl sitting next to me was a little quiet, so the youth pastor told me to ask her something. This youth pastor had a lateral lisp (think Sid the Sloth from Ice Age), so I thought he said "Hey, ashk her if she's in a butt club." "Ok...", I thought. "Maybe this is some inside youth group joke. I'll just play along and ask." So, I turned to the quiet, homeschooled girl next to me and asked "So...are you in a butt club?" The whole room was silent as the youth pastor said, "NO, I shaid a BUTT club." (it still sounded the same to me...apparently, he was saying BOOK.) Oh well...

Finally, the end of the year was in sight. We had a little good-bye party for, well, me. As is tradition on the team at birthdays or going-aways, everyone went around and said what they appreciated about me. I remember Aaron Coffey called me the funniest girl he knows, which I took as a huge compliment. I also remember Josh saying what he appreciated about me, and telling me he loved me at the end. "Psh, the big liar. He's just saying that cause that's what everyone else is saying. He doesn't love me."

So, my time on the Galkin team was done (so I thought). I still had my senior year at BJU to finish, and my parents were NOT going to let me go gallivanting off around the country for another year! I was so relieved to get AWAY from Josh, cause I thought I'd start to get over him. I told Reba before we left..."I'm sure he'll meet some girl this summer at camp and marry her...but, I know I will never ever marry anyone cause I love Josh. I'm gonna be a single missionary to some remote country."

Over the very short break before camp started, I was going home to Atlanta, and then to one of my best friend's wedding in Kansas City, MO. Ironically, on that same weekend, Josh was flying to Atlanta for a friend's wedding in Greenville, SC. It just so happened that I was leaving the day after he flew into Atlanta. So, Josh was planning on staying at my house after I'd picked him up from the airport, using my car to drop me off at the airport the next day, drive to Greenville, and then leave the car at the Atlanta airport for me to pick-up when I flew in. "Great...torture me even more", I thought. To make matters worse, my parents were in LOVE with Josh. They kept asking me "Why don't you like Josh??" So, before he came, I sat Bob and Sharon down and had a little chat with them. "Ooook, Mom and Dad. I like Josh. But he doesn't like me! He just told Reba so last week. So, even if he acts like it while he's here, he's just being nice--don't think anything of it!" Of course, that did NOTHING to help them stop wanting me to marry him.

I picked Josh up from the airport. Of course, in my heart of hearts, I still wanted him to declare his undying love for me. But at the same time, I knew it'd never happen. I wasn't pretty enough...wasn't spiritual enough...skinny enough...ladylike enough...the list went on. That night he wanted to watch a movie--I wasn't sure what his movie "standards" were like, so I was kind of trying to put the ball in his court to pick the movie. He was NOT cooperating, so I said "Well, just pick one! I mean, if it were just me I'd watch like...Pride and Prejudice or something", trying to communicate that he should pick one cause I would just pick some girly movie. "Well, let's watch that!" he said.

Oh my word. Here I was, sitting on a couch in the basement, Josh on the other couch, watching what might possibly be the most romantic story ever. The part with the heart-fluttering music, where Keira Knightly is walking in the dew-kissed morning, only to see the most honorable, dashing, and handsome man walking through the grass towards her--ahhhhh! During the movie, to avoid the romantic aura growing around us, I was texting a friend who was having some boy problems. I kinda nervously talked about how this guy was leading her on, and how it was wrong for guys to do that, preaching a little bit to Josh, since he had been sooo kind to me all semester--enough to make Reba question him about his feelings for me on more than one occasion (and he always denied). At one point, Josh paused the movie and said, "Caroline, I just want to let you know that I still just think of you as a friend. I hope I have not done anything this semester to make you think otherwise."

My world sank. I couldn't look at him. I shrugged like I was totally ok with it, "Oh yeah, I know, let's keep watching." But as he dropped me off the next morning at the airport, I didn't even want to talk to him. I was finally crushed. "Thank you, Lord, that you will never stop loving me." I could rest in God's love, and move on with His plan for my life. It was no longer of any use to have feelings for Josh. So I prayed even more earnestly that God would change my feelings.

During the wedding time, Josh was texting me tons! We'd always been texting buddies...this one time on the road, we both got a bug where we were up allllll night long throwing up. I'd left my phone at the church, so when I finally got it the next day, and we were both holed up in our seperate houses, sick, we texted tons. I used to have to hide my phone when I'd share a room with Reba, cause she would roll her eyes if she saw me texting Josh. But, now, I almost didn't want to even talk to him--but I was still in love! So I still talked to him, but was very careful not to flirt or even TRY to get him to know I liked him!

That is one area I could see the grace of God so clearly in my life. For once, I was not trying to drop hints and clues that I liked a guy. The Lord protected me from telling him or manipulating him. This would be very important down the road.

I got to camp on a Wednesday with the rest of the secretaries for Northland. Josh arrived on Friday. I was happy to see him--and he seemed happy to see me! He even said he missed me. I had helped him the previous year organize and execute the weekly "Carnival" during family camps, so he asked for my help again. One rainy afternoon, we were sitting in the carnival trailer, doing something very important like counting yo-yos, and he started talking about us. It was just casual stuff about like how we were friends, and about stories from the year. Then, I noticed his hands were shaking and he seemed really...nervous. He started to say something about how sometimes you can't just stay the same type of "friends" when you enter a certain point of life. I had no idea where this was going, but I had so convinced myself in my mind (with help from him!) that he had no romantic feelings for me, that I just tried to get him to stop for fear this was the end of our friendship. He was struggling putting his thoughts into words, so I took the opportunity. "It's ok...you don't need to explain anything until you know what you want to say." I wanted to get away from that trailer as soon as possible! I purposefully avoided him that weekend. He g-talked me some, and was so caring and kind. "Ahhh...why is this so hard?!"

Monday morning, leadership training started. I can still see the room and where we were sitting--Josh just kept turning around from his table and smiling at me and winking at me. "Ugh! The wink! Why does he do that??" But I smiled back. The girls around me started giggling and wondering what was up. He asked to walk with me after the mornings sessions to the dining hall. We talked all the way there, and it was like we were just kindred spirits. I loved talking with him! Why was he being so kind? And paying me SO much attention?

After lunch, he came up to me like a little boy who was about to burst with excitement. "Can we take another walk?" The people at the table around me smiled. So we started behind the dining hall, but before we even took a few steps, I heard the most wonderful words I've ever known.

"Caroline, I have so appreciated your friendship through these years, especially this last one as we traveled together. You have become more than a friend to me. Ever since January, I couldn't stop thinking about you, praying for you, and liking you." Like seems like a dumb way to put it, but, we weren't saying the "love" word at this point. "I care deeply for you, and I want to enter into a serious relationship with you, and I'm pretty sure I want to marry you."

There, behind the dining hall at Northland, a stone's throw from the giant buzzing freezer, and a few steps from the dumpsters, the man of my dreams proclaimed his love for me. It was a dream come true! To make it more romantic, all I could blurt out "I like you too!" I might as well have added a Steve Urkel laugh onto the end of it, it was so dorky sounding. But, the funny thing was, he'd had NO idea I liked him at all! He was planning on having to CONVINCE me to date him, cause he was so sure I didn't.

You may be thinking, "So, what you're saying is, God made you both fall in love with each other, WITHOUT knowing the other person was in love with you?" Yeah...it happened! Now it made perfect sense. All the little looks, words, texts...why Will freaked when I told him I liked Josh. What didn't make sense was what he'd said to Reba so many times! And what he said to me during the movie! "Will made me promise not to say anything at least until camp," he told me. How wise. :)

And it's all history from there. We both knew at that moment that we would get married. Of course, it was a little journey to get to that point too...but that's another story. I left out so many details, little anecdotes, funny memories...but I guess those are just the things you'd have to hear in person.

Our first picture together...well, besides that grand canyon one. And the snowboarding one. OK, nevermind...

The moral of the story is...if you don't have a love story yet, let God handle it. He's great at making them romantic. And if you have found that prince that God has for you--love him with all your heart! I hope I never forget my story, so it always causes me to be grateful for my God and for the man He's given me.

My Love Story, Part 3

Ahh, and here we have arrived at the part girls love--the romance. I have to admit, I'm pretty thankful that God at least gave me a semi-romantic love story. I guess the funniest part of all this is how much foreshadowing there was! Once, the summer before I traveled, I was sitting at dinner with Christy (Josh's sister), her kids, Josh, and Terry Pettit. Terry was telling some story about a missionary who married a native woman in a tribe he was working in, and how sanctifying it was to marry someone you barely knew and could barely speak to, and Josh joked about how he needed to go get a native tribal woman so he could become more sanctified. I, in my bluntness, blurted out, "Well, I mean I could sanctify you!", meaning that you don't have to marry some tribal woman to experience sanctification through marriage--that we ALL have issues! Of course, that's not how my statement came across to the REST of the people at the table. Oh well...it all worked out. :)

After we split ways for Christmas break, I went home to Georgia and Josh went to Colorado before going on a missions trip with the Pettit team to Guam, Australia, and the Philippines. Reba and I were both convinced that he was going to come back from that trip in love with one of the girls on the team. He SAID he'd text me over break--and by the time break was over, I was a little perturbed that he hadn't. "Hmph. Guess he doesn't care about me as much as he says!" He and the Galkins came to my house right after Christmas before we all headed to our first meetings in Myrtle Beach. He was the same kind, gentle, patient guy he'd been before--and I found myself a little nervous to see him! "What is wrong with me??" But, after being around him for a couple weeks on the road, I realized how NOT interested I was in Josh. Sometimes, I'd be taken aback by his handsome features, or his big muscles when he unloaded the van ("Ahhh, I'm looking at his arms again!!!!"), but soon he would do or say something dorky and I would be totally over him.

As the weeks went on, he just kept being SO nice. I mean, Josh was the model gentleman--he ALWAYS held the doors open for us, and opened them before we got in the car. I don't want to know how much money he spent on us, buying our meals, buying us drinks--he was great. How could you NOT fall in love with him?? I would find myself starting to slip--maybe I'd do something sweet for him. But, then I'd realize I did NOT like him--so I'd swing the pendelum the other direction, and do or say something mean so he'd NEVER think I liked him. (I know, so immature, mean, and dumb--what can I say?)

About the middle of the semester, we had a week off, and Reba, Josh, and I agreed that we'd take a vacation all together--we ended in Arizona, and we had to be in St. George, UT at the end of the week, so we drove to San Diego, where Josh and Christy's sister Shannon and her family live, and spend the week there. The week together got off to a horrible start when Aaron Coffey and Josh decided to scare Reba and I in the trailer we were living in for the week (read Reba's account of it here). We took a day to travel to the Grand Canyon, which I had never seen. Josh was determined to get a picture with me--and I would NOT let him! What can I say? It felt awkward and embarrassing.

Our first picture together. What a romantic pose, I must say...

I remember saying to Reba during the time in San Diego, where we stayed in a hotel while Josh stayed about 30 minutes away with his sister, "Do we HAVE to hang out with Josh today?" He was just kind of weird and embarrassing. We went to the San Diego Zoo, and he walked around in a dorky hat and made animal noises at all the animals--kill me! He took us out to a restaurant and took FOREVER to order. Yep, it seemed pretty final that I was NOT in love with Josh, nor would I ever be.

You know how some people say they know the exact moment they fell in love? I didn't believe them till it happened to me! All this week, THESE were the feelings that I was having. Like I said before, there would be times the last few months that I'd feel ATTRACTION towards Josh...but I would know it was nothing like true love because the feelings would be changed to embarrassment or disgust the next hour. But, I remember the day I fell in love with Josh.

We had an extremely long travel day from San Diego to St. George, UT. We would arrive at the church and have a week off, in which we would work in the mornings and have fun in the afternoons. I don't know how it happened or why, but on that travel day, I fell in love! By the time we got to St. George and went out to eat with the Galkins, I had to pull Reba and the bathroom and tell her before my heart burst! "I like Josh!!" "I KNEW it!", Reba said. "No, like I JUST started liking him--today!" We formulated a plan right there that I was NOT going to act upon these feelings, that I would trust the Lord to help me think on truth, and that I would not tell anyone else! But, all that week, I'm sure people knew something was up. Josh talked about how he couldn't sleep at the house he was staying at cause ducks were quacking outside his window. I suggested, and he asked for, a playlist of music that he could listen to while he slept--I made one that night for him! His birthday was coming up, so I ordered him some new shoes (Sperrys!) to replace his old, ratty ones. The worst give away was when Will, Josh, Reba, and I were all working around a table. I made some face at Reba, and she made one at me, and all the sudden I started giggling. I couldn't stop! I was so red and embarrassed, which just made me giggle more! Josh and Will just stared blankly at me--I knew they must know! But, thankfully, they were clueless--and I left the room feeling like an idiot!

Paintballing in St. George the day after I "fell in love". I was definitely digging his camo that day! :)

Ok, this couldn't go on for the rest of the semester--something had to change. And that's when I began to make it my mission to keep Josh from finding out I liked him, whatever the costs.

(Now, don't kid yourself, it's not that I DIDN'T want to date Josh--I had never dated before, but I would have dated him in a heartbeat if he'd asked me then. But it was the fact that I was convinced in my mind that HE would never like ME. I mean, I wasn't exactly the epitome of beautiful--and he had seen me looking HORRIBLE throughout the semester, on early travel days and late nights. I was also very self-conscious about the weight I'd gained on the road, and although I was dieting at the time, anyone knows that dieting takes FOREVER, and I was constantly self-conscious around him. So, I NEVER wanted him to know I liked him, for fear of the humiliation that would come when he rejected me!)

Those next two months, my love for Josh grew and grew! I'd never felt something like this before! And, unlike previous times of "attraction", no amount of awkwardness or embarrassment from Josh could make me dislike him!

Not even this...

It was not easy! First, Josh was still Mr. Nice and Kind ALLLLLLL the time! Didn't he know how hard he was making this?? Sometimes, I'd catch him looking at me in the van in the rearview mirror--I'd get so embarrassed! Because I didn't want him to get a hint I liked him, I'd tend to respond to his acts of kindness with meanness, just so he had no doubts in his mind--poor guy. At his birthday party, we played a Galkin-original game which consists of popping a balloon, doing the activity inside, and winning a prize. I, of course, had to pick the balloon with the following activity "Serve the birthday boy the drink of his choice, then kneel down and kiss his big toe." Josh had a little toe fungus issue at this time, which made the activity even MORE hilarious to everyone watching (still not laughing! :) I couldn't believe I had to do it...

Disbelief...

Don't worry! I didn't actually kiss it! I just couldn't make myself do it...

There was also the time we went snowboarding. One of the churches offered us passes, so Aaron Coffey, Josh, and I went to hit the slopes. I'd never been snowboarding before, so he wanted to teach me. Oh my word, my dream come true--a day with Josh! I was so embarrassed, but totally enjoying it at the same time! :) He was the kindest and most patient teacher ever--I was the worst snowboarder in the world, but it allowed me to totally admire him as he did all these crazy jumps down the hills. This was NOT helping the situation!

As the semester went on, it was harder and harder to not WANT a relationship with Josh. I needed to find my satisfaction in Christ! There were two wonderful things that came out of this struggle. First, it took Reba and I from traveling partners to close friends. Having gone through a similar experience, she was able to offer me wisdom and help to keep me thinking and doing right. We have wonderful times together! We still look back fondly one those days...well, at least, I do. :) Second, as I've already alluded to, it deepened my walk with the Lord. All those struggles last semester gave way to a patient and purposeful pursuit of God. (wow, can I be a preacher with my alliteration? please?) Now, I finally had something in my life that was hard enough I COULDN'T do it in my own strength--I needed God's grace each day. And, BY His grace, I was able to make it through each day without manipulating Josh into liking me, without dropping little hints here and there that I was interested, without spending all day daydreaming and not serving the churches we were in. It was so good for me.

But, it was still hard. I cared for him more now than ever! And he was still sooooo kind. Almost too kind. Sometimes I would wonder, "Could he...does he...like me too?" But I would excuse away those thoughts because of my own insecurities and reminding myself of what he'd said years ago--"I don't like you in that way, and if I do, I'll tell you." Well, that answered my question for me. The second to last week of meetings, our team went to Mackinaw Island. At this point, I was a goner--I'd already told Will about my interest in Josh. He'd totally freaked (which I'd found odd). "Ok, um, we're just gonna love Jesus and keep serving!" Duh, Will...what else would I do? It's not like he's interested! Anyways, back to Mackinaw Island--Josh and I sat next to each other on the ferry ride over. Our hands were just millimeters apart on the bench--and my heart was racing! Yes, my whole romantic world was being turned upside down because my hand was almost touching the man of my dreams. Pathetic, but hey, I'd never even come close to dating, and I LOVED this man! If he had reached out and grabbed it, I would have fainted dead right there. I was SO tempted just to grab his hand and tell him "I LOVE YOU!" But, thankfully, I refrained. :) The whole day was torture--such a wonderful place, and being the romantic that I am, all I wanted in the world was for him to turn to me and proclaim his undying love for me! Yeah, I was pretty pathetic and hopeless. A lost cause.

The freezing water could not quench the fires of love...omw...

(this is all I have time for today, but I'll try to finish tomorrow! It really does have a happy ending! :)

My Love Story, Part 2

Well, we just pulled our trailer into its last church parking lot for the year. It happens to be the very first church that I traveled to with the team. Brings back lots of memories—when I was here two and a half years ago, I was single, no prospects of marriage, a year of school still to finish, and OBVIOUSLY had no baby. My, how much has changed…

Thinking back to two and a half years ago, my first week traveling with the Galkins, I had NO idea what I’d gotten myself into. I mean I knew I was traveling with the evangelist who could see into my soul!!—or so I thought (little did I know how obviously my flesh was manifesting itself). I loved traveling with the 5 kids on the team—so much fun! I also traveled with another single girl, who had been my discipleship group leader at Northland just the summer before (providential!) Reba and I didn’t really have much in common—she was older than me, more spiritual than me, and waaaay more musically talented than me. We didn’t really become “friends” until next semester. She was gearing up for her first big recording as a director, so her attentions were focused. I on the other hand was just waltzing through life, no idea what an evangelistic team does, why they do it, or how.

At our first Galkin team party...

Josh was still very kind to me through all these first weeks of travel. His “female” attentions, though, were focused on someone else throughout most of the semester—a relationship that Reba and I were encouraging him towards! That semester wasn’t the semester that I grew a ton spiritually—that would come in the spring. This semester I saw just how immature and sinful I was. Wow—imagine studying a book like “War of Words” (HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!) with the team, and realizing that I used my tongue for evil ALL the time! There were many convicting and eye-opening moments throughout the semester, but I can’t say that I always responded to them correctly. I mean, I’d see the sin (which was a huge step), but wouldn’t always be broken over it. Yeah it was bad…but the fact that Christ was killed for THIS sin?? Wasn’t quite sinking in yet. 

There was a specific instance at the end of the semester that gave me the opportunity to choose self or finally surrender and choose the Lord. I wouldn’t say I got saved then—but it definitely is a point that I can look back at and say “No, I KNOW I’m saved!” We had a very long trip from Michigan to Georgia over the span of two days. Back then, our team didn’t have a cargo trailer, since it was just us three singles traveling in the van. So we packed the sound equipment, luggage, and office stuff in the van. This left Josh and Reba up front, and me, poor little me, stuck in the BACK with all their junk! Well, this being our second to last week of meetings, I’d just about had it. I was tired of being the “baby” and stuck in the back of the van. I was tired of them always talking to each other and never including me in the conversation because they stuck me in the back. I was tired of the trash can being right next to me, and them NEVER emptying it. (Mind you, these are my thoughts, not what was actually happening…ok, they really never did empty the trash, but the OTHER stuff wasn’t necessarily true ;). I was just seething with annoyance and anger. That night, we all got together in the Galkins trailer to play some games. Thankfully the Coffeys were not there to witness my fleshiness! J We decided to play Rook—and Reba was winning. Well, I was mad at Reba—so what did I do? I knew I couldn’t win the game, but if I couldn’t win, she wasn’t going to either! It was the kind of round where you call your partner by calling a card you want on your team. So I peeked at her cards, called some wacky number I knew she had, claimed her as my partner, and then bid for ALL the cards. Then, to make sure we had no CHANCE of winning, I made sure to lose every round. Everyone thought I was joking at first…then it was just awkward. Reba lost—I didn’t feel any better. And now everyone in the trailer knew that I was struggling with something BIG! Reba and I were staying in a hotel for that night, and we got back and did what every person does after manifesting their anger in front of 10 people—read “War of Words” in preparation for team devotions the next morning. I was still seething. Reba started to try to patch things up—“Caroline, do you want to talk about—“ “NO!!!!”, I replied. Ok, well, that quieted things down for the night—in the room, that is, but not my own soul. I was thinking thoughts like “I don’t even want to come back next semester. I’ll just tell Will I’m leaving the team; he can’t stop me. Is this even real?? If God were real, why doesn’t He change me??”

Honestly, to give you a look into my soul, I was ready to quit “Christianity” right then. It was too hard, too time consuming. It took too much out of you to try and love new people EVERY week, to care about lost souls enough to pursue them with the Gospel, to serve the same people every day even when I’d seen their “bad side”. I was ready to just throw in the towel and walk away from religion and a relationship with God. But, I was still sitting there trying to read “War of Words”, and something (or Someone) in me just wouldn’t let me go. As much as I wanted to deny God, I just couldn’t. I knew He was real. I HAD seen Him change me. I’d seen Him save me! I knew He was Creator. I knew He was loving and kind. My flesh tried to convince me that these things were true, and as much as my mind and heart tried to agree with them, I couldn’t. It’s true that the Lord keeps His children—He kept me that night. And every night since.

The next morning was team devotions—I knew what I needed to do. In a little room in a country church in Georgia, I sobbed as Will pleaded with me to humble myself and just admit I was wrong. It sounds like such a small deal—but this was the Lord bringing me to the point of choosing Him completely or continuing in my own goodness and trying to sanctify myself. I didn’t think I could ask forgiveness cause I was crying so hard—I wanted to do it later. But Will told me to do it now! J So I did…and that was the Lord finally breaking down my self-righteous walls and making me humble.

So began a divine love story that is so much greater and stronger than any earthly romance, but was one that I needed before I could possibly have the wonderful one that the Lord gave me in Josh. I didn’t leave the team—I went home for Christmas break determined to read my Bible and pursue the Lord. Sanctification was such a slow process that I would often grow impatient—but then would ask the Lord to make me faithful. Next semester, He not only gave me evidence of His working in my life, but He also gave me a best friend who would for the rest of our lives encourage me to grow and walk with the Lord.

(Part 3 coming soon—this is where the REAL miracles take place. ;)

My Love Story, Part 1

I know, I know...shame on me, I've become one of "those bloggers"...the type that start a blog and get everyone all excited and then abandon it after a few posts. But, I'm here with a spectacular and fascinating new idea that will knock your flip flops off (if you live anywhere besides Wisconsin, where it is still freezing) and redeem me from the world of blogging drop-outs.

Monday is my FIRST anniversary! Feels like it's been way longer than one year (I mean I have a 3 month old for crying out loud...and yes, it was fast, please don't be the millionth person to point out that fact to me ;). So, from now until Monday, I will take the time to write out how God "wrote my love story", to use the already marketed phrase. But, seriously...it's a cool story. Or at least I think so...

It all began once upon a time in a magical kingdom--Bob Jones University (ok, maybe not magical--but it sounds cooler). I had arrived in the fall of 2005 to begin a bachelor's degree in what would become music education. Armed with my cello, 10 packages of pantyhose (yeah, I was there for those days!), and a homeschool education (thanks, Mom!), I tried to take BJU by storm. I guess this will be a look into me and my growth as much as it is God giving me a love story--they are kind of interchangeable. I knew I couldn't be the prettiest or the coolest or the best cellist at BJU...but maybe I could be the funniest? The craziest? Alas, I never achieved any of those titles either--maybe the one with the most awkward and embarrassing moments? That might fit.

So here I was, an awkward homeschooled freshman. And there was this senior--I knew his name. Everyone knew his name. He was a ladies' man from Denver, CO, who played the euphonium (is that why his lips are so huge??) and it's rumored he doesn't believe in birth control (the result of an unfortunate subject choice for his persuasive speech his freshman year). So, in the midst of 5,000 students, how did this Southern freshman girl with a cello come to meet the dashing, infamous senior Josh Roland??

It all started as most great relationships do--with a cello. Or two. Or maybe a whole choir of them! Yes, in this heavenly setting of 8+ cellos, I met Josh Roland. He decided his senior year to take cello lessons. His teacher, thinking he was the bomb, let him join our cello choir. "Ok, we already sound bad enough--why is this beginner in here???" Those were our thoughts. But, we shrugged it off, and decided to make the best of our situation--after all, he was a good sport about sounding pretty awful.

Take a good look folks--this is our cello choir party. Few have been invited--it's kinda a cool thing.

Ok, so we have that foundation settled. Mind you, we were not anything more than acquaintances. He was cool--I was not. He was popular--the only thing I was famous for was being weird (roommates and classmates from this time period in my life--this is not open for comment!) So that's how I met Josh Roland. We would see each other off and on my next year, as he was a first year grad student. He was always so mature and spiritual--so, knowing me, we didn't really have a ton in common to make us buddies. But that would soon all change in a place that really IS a magical kingdom!

Northland Camp
I guess you could say Northland Camp was like the soil of marriage in which the seeds of our love was planted. Ok, scratch that--I have no idea what that means except that I kind of want a garden right now. Moving on...

I went to Northland as a teen counselor in 2007. Josh had been working there for fifty two summers (ok, more like five). He was a program guy, so we had a fair amount of interaction. Once again, we remained casual friends--I mean, maybe I COULD have developed a crush on him--but he buzzed his hair right before he got to camp! Me, being the shallow, looks-oriented person that I was, could not possibly have been in love with him like THAT.

However, the Lord did a huge work in my life that summer. Through many painful sessions in my now brother-in-law's office, the challenge of counseling girls in a myriad of different sanctification stages (and many who had not started the sanctification process at all!), I discovered for the first time what it is like to have a devotional life with God that is not based on law, but is based on the fact that I NEED Him. I was also discipled for the first time in my life--what a wonderful process! I left that summer to return to BJU a different person. I had also become pals with some people who would remain my best friends (shout-out Kellie and Leila!)

I made the unfortunate decision to go all natural that first summer--no makeup, no hair styling. Please never let me do that again.

So, here I was back at BJU. A junior. Josh was in his last year of grad school. We went to one of the opening evangelistic services together--we had to sit in the dorm counselor section because he had to be available to counsel afterwards. We had an interesting conversation that night. He said to me "Caroline, I just want you to know that I view you like a little sister. I have no romantic feelings for you, but I really do care about you and your growth. I want you to feel free to hang out with me and not feel any pressure that I mean anything besides friendship for our relationship. I don't like you...if I ever did, I'd tell you." (this may or may not be what he said...I didn't know if was going to end up being important!)

Wow, you say. What a weird thing for him to say. I admit, it was kind of strange. But, being the blunt, honest person I am, I appreciated it, and took it for exactly what he meant it. All that year, he was like a big brother to me. His youngest brother, Ben, was a freshman at BJU, so we all kind of hung out together. I felt no qualms about texting him and asking if I could eat dinner with him and Ben, or sit with them during a required event. Eventually, people started seeing us together..."Wow, Josh and Caroline? How do they even know each other? Weird..." When people would start to ask me about it, I would just tell them what he'd told me. "We're just friends--he told me so. He doesn't like me, and I don't like him. It's cool."

I mean, ok, maybe once in a while I'd think he was cute. Other times, he'd show up to dinner in the most atrocious outfit I'd ever see, and I'd seriously consider leaving the dining common so I wouldn't be seen with him (kudos to me, I never left). And so we entered into another summer at Northland Camp. This one was about the same as the other, with maybe a little more interaction. Like all those times when I took competition between the teams a little too seriously...and I'd get in trouble. I can hear it over the loud speaker now "Caroline Lee, please see me after this game!" Humiliating. And there was Josh on the sidelines--shaking his head, but smiling. He somehow was never TOO phased by my immaturity. During all this time, mind you, he and I were NOT dating--we were both interested in other people! (His were a little more promising than mine--I tended to have "crushes" on boys that never like me back--figures.)

I made better appearance choices that summer...but still slightly lacking in the appropriateness and lady-like side of things.

This would be our last few months together, as he had been asked by his brother-in-law, Will Galkin, to travel with him the following year. I, of course, had to return to BJU for my senior year of college. Wow, better make the best of it, cause who knows if we'd ever see each other again...

...and then Will asked ME to travel too. And my parents said ok! What was the Lord trying to do here?...

And check back sometime in the very near future for part 2. :)